What Bugs Bunny Said to Red Riding Hood
Say, good lookin, what brings you out thisaway
amongst the fanged and the fluffy?
Some ol bag too lazy to pick up a pot, too feeble
to flip a flapjack—
and you all dolled up like a fire engine
to cruise these woods?
This was your mother’s idea?
She been livin in a CrackerJack box or something?
This is a tough neighborhood, mutton chops—
you gotchur badgers, your wild boar, your
hardcore grizzlies and lately,
this one wolf’s been actin pretty big and bad.
I mean, what’s up, doc?
Didn anybody ever tell you it ain’t smart
to stick out in wild places?
Friendly? You want friendly you better
try Detroit. I mean
you’re safe wit me, sweetcakes,
but I ain’t a meat-eater.
You heard about Goldie Locks, didn’cha? Well,
didn’cha? Yeah, well, little Miss Sunshine—
little Miss I’m-so-much-cuter-than-thee—
got caught on one of her sneaky porridge runs
and the Three Bears weren’t in the mood:
so last week the game warden nabs baby bear
passin out her fingers to his pals.
That’s right. Maybe your motha should
turn off her soaps, take a peek at a newspaper,
turn on some cartoons, for Pete’s sake:
this woyld is about teeth, bubble buns—who’s bitin
and who’s gettin bit. The noyve a’that broad
sendin you out here lookin like a ripe tomata.
Why don’t she just hang a sign around your neck:
Get over here and bite my legs off!
Cover me wit mustid—call me a hotdawg!
Alright, alright, I’ll stop.
Listen, Red, I’d hate for somethin unpleasant
to find you out here all alone.
Grandma-schmandma—let’er call Domino’s.
They’re paid to deliver. Besides, toots,
it’s already later than you think—
get a load a’that chubby moon up there.
Ya can’t count on Casper tonight either.
They ran that potato-head outta town two months ago—
tryin ta make friends all the time—
he makes you sick after awhile.
Look, Cinderella, I got some candles and some
cold uncola back at my place—whaddaya say?
Got any artichokies in that basket?