Eugene Ostashevsky

A Pirate Fit to Opine on Feet

                                    for Sonya


This is my main hand,
says the Pirate,

and it has made me what I am: the main man
on the Main!

Yes, I’m a radical rapscallion
cruising around in my Spanish galleon,

filling the sails with northeasterly trade winds,
discharging cannons and making nice with the maidens.

I stand on the fore, I stand on the aft,
it’s the lifestyle I like, not the golden calf.

Any time you ask me if I want rum,
I’ll say, Thank you, I will have some!

Enter MC Squared.

MC2:     Ahoy mate,
             spare some pieces of eight?

Pi:         Get a job, you nogoodnik!

MC2:     Alas, I am psychologically unable to work.

Pi:         I can identify with that.

Offers to give him a coin but MC Squared catches him by the arm and performs jewjitsu.

MC2:      Pirate pirate, tell me the value of pi!
Pi:          3.14159…—I don’t know how it ends.

MC2:      Then prepare to die!

Pi:          Ack! Spare me please! Don’t orphan my parrot!
              I’ll give you a diamond of 25 carat.

MC2:      Save you carrots for bunnies! They’ll clean ‘em and clear 'em.
              Gimme the proof of the Pythagorean theorem!

Pi:          No!!! That’s the theorem before which I in fear am!
              Please mister,
                                    Ask me something I’m good in,
                                    like romance or dance.
                                    When this leg wasn’t wooden
                                    how I pranced without pants!

                                    When we pull into port
                                    I rush off to ballet,
                                    greeting every plié
                                    with a loud Olé!

MC2:       Well then who in the Bay Area is the famousest dancer on pointe?

Pi:           That’s easy! It’s Sonya Ostashevskaya-Gohstand.

MC2:       You are free to go.

The pirate gets up, groaning and rubbing his поясница. Curtain.



"A Pirate Fit to Opine on Feet" first appeared in Painted Bride Quarterly, print annual 3 (2006), issue 74.